Pinto Moribund

A Mind-Blasting Good Time!

I own none of these characters, and I make no monetary profit from this work.

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Pinto Experiences the Giggle Loop
Pinto Moribund

Title:  Pinto Experiences the Giggle Loop
Pairing:  Chris Pine/Zachary Quinto
Rating:  R (at least)
Summary:  Prompt from trek_rpf_kink:  "Chris/Zach; they keep trying to make each other laugh during sex as a challenge/rivalry sort of thing, mostly through the use of awesomely cheesy porno dialogue such as 'I'm going to put my hot dog in your bun,' etc."
Words:  1105
Disclaimer:  We only wish this had happened.
Notes:  This prompt meme is hereby officially eating the rest of my life.  Thank you.  My life?  Now = over.  There is nothing left but porn.  NOTHING.  ONLY PORN.  Also please note:  I did look up the spelling of Pixy Stix for this.

Pinto Experiences the Giggle Loop

Zach dragged Chris into the room and pushed him up against the wall, slamming the door behind them.  He kissed Chris hungrily, and Chris responded, their tongues sliding against each other while their breath mingled... Zach broke away to dive in and nuzzle Chris's throat.  Chris, catching his breath, said, "Wow, door-slamming.  That's an... anomaly."  He lovingly glided over each syllable of the word.

Zach snorted against Chris's neck and gave him a quick bite.  "Shush, you.  Don't make me laugh.  Sex is serious business."

Chris pinched Zach in a nerve cluster along the side of his belly, and Zach jumped, ticklish.  "Oh please.  Sex is ridiculous.  Haven't you ever watched porn?"

"Arrrrgh."  Zach took Chris's head in his hands and pressed their foreheads together, forcing Chris's head to lightly bump the wall.


"No, I do not make a practice of watching porn.  The writing in those things kills brain cells."

Chris lifted his eyebrows once, smirking.  "That means you've watched it before."  He ran his hands up Zach's chest, running them up and around to tug at the dark scruff on the back of the other man's neck, massaging, teasing.  Zach groaned.  Chris said, his voice oddly flat of any inflection, "I want to fuck you, baby.  I want to fuck you... like a thing... a thing that wants to fuck you."

Mid-groan, Zach suddenly dissolved into laughter.  "What the... what?"

Chris put on his best fake Austrian male model voice and said, "My wanting is for your massive manhood!"

Zach laughed harder through gritted teeth, and pulled Chris's hair again, and then mock-strangled him.  Chris started giggling, too.  Zach growled, "What is WITH you tonight?"

"I don't even know, man!  I'm just... high, I think."  Chris leaned forward and laid a kiss on Zach's mouth, gently sucking on those luscious lips before letting go.  "You always get so serious during sex.  I hate it that I can't see your smile.  Do you have any idea how much that pisses me off?  Your smile is what made me want to fuck you in the first place."

In response to that, Zach not only smiled, but blushed as well.  "It seems like a hell of a time to bring it up," he pressed his erection into Chris's thigh and purred, "Cockmuffin."

Chris's laugh rang out loudly and he moved in for another kiss, but it was somewhat unsuccessful, because both of them kept breaking down into giggles, their lips unable to keep a purchase.  "See?"  He ran his thumb over one of Zach's cheekbones.  "Your face does amazing things when you smile.  It makes me want to..." he moved in, whispering in Zach's ear, "Put my manly meatbong into your faaaaaaace..."

They both broke down, practically falling down the wall with laughter, Zach gasping for breath and Chris still watching him, enjoying the effect.  Zach managed to keep from landing on his ass, and captured the front of Chris's shirt in a double-fisted grab.  "Come HERE. If you're going to incapacitate me with your fleshpipe, I'm moving us to the bed."  He dragged Chris with him across the room.

Chris willingly allowed himself to be dragged.  "Ooo, you're so strong!  I am like a wilting flower petal in your hot, stinky hands!"

Zach all but threw him onto the bed, glaring, but completely unable to keep his face straight.  With a herculean effort -- drawing upon all of his training -- he put on a serious face, lifted himself up on his knees, spine admirably straight, and raised an eyebrow.  "Steel yourself, little flower petal man.  I am about to deflower THE BLOSSOM OF YOUR ANUS."

Chris stared back at him and let out a mock scream of pure terror.  "AAAAAAAACK!  NOOOOOO!  I'M SAVING MY ANUS BLOSSOM FOR MY HUSBAND!"  Zach completely lost it and fell on top of him, howling with laughter.  Chris continued wailing.  "My blossom is sweet!  My blossom is pure!  It..." he started laughing mid-word, helplessly flapping his arms around Zach, who was putting all of his weight on Chris's body.  "Wait, dude, my blossom is strangling because you're heavy as shit!"  Chris pushed Zach over, and Zach pliantly let himself be rolled to the side, his face red with laughter.

Chris sat up and pulled his shirt off with one smooth motion.  He reached down and started to unbutton Zach's shirt.  Zach didn't resist, but shook his head ruefully.  "Rendering me unable to breathe isn't exactly an intelligent seduction technique, Chris."

Chris said, matter-of-factly, "Oh, I'm sure my steam-powered love truncheon can take care of that."  Zach doubled up again, and Chris lost his access to the buttons.  "Hey, keep still, stud-plushie!  We have yet to commence the ramming like wild things.  We're going to ram, baby, fast and hard and wild, like... like..."

"Like mountain goats on Pixy Stix!" Zach gasped out.

"Exactly!"  Chris fell over, laughing.  "EXACTLY LIKE... fuck, dude, mountain goats on Pixy Stix?!"

Zach reached over and pinned Chris into the pillow, then pulled him close in a strangling hug.  "AAAAARRRGH.  Do you have any idea how much I hate you?"  He bit Chris's shoulder, gnawing on it cartoonishly and growling, and then drew back and laid several rough kisses on Chris's reddened face.

Chris, tears streaming down his cheeks, said, "Oh, man.  You just hate me because I'm giggle-blocking your milky man fountain."

"Oh my god, STOP!"  Zach put his hand over Chris's mouth, but those blue eyes were still dancing with laughter.  "Jesus!  Even your eyes are making filthy jokes at me!"  Chris made several speaking noises against Zach's hand and Zach growled at him again.  "No.  No more.  Seriously.  I think I'm going to throw up if you keep going, and if that happens, you never get juicy cock-squeezings again."  He lost his grip as they both started laughing again.

Chris started coughing violently, and Zach stopped laughing, concerned.  "You okay?  Raise your arms... here..."  Chris, his face still red and smiling, shook his head to indicate that he was alright, but still lifted his arms obediently, and his cough eased.  He melted back against Zach, the two of them smiling, Zach rolling his eyes occasionally, and both of them still stifling giggles.

Chris turned to look at Zach.  Chris's eyes were red and damp with tears of laughter, and Zach's eyes were creased, his mouth still twitching.  Chris said, "I love you so much."

Zach sobered a little, still smiling.  "I love you too, you prize-winning dorknad."  Chris only chuckled a little bit as Zach began to struggle out of his shirt, and decided that was enough joking around for one night.

I have read this a few times and I still find it as hilarious as the first time I ever read it xD I was not aware of the number of ridiculous dirty jokes one could make. Awesome.

Also, this: "Jesus! Even your eyes are making filthy jokes at me!"? Yeah, that's Chris in my mind xD

*giggling* Thank you so much!

Okay, so you're totally going through and reading my entire lj, aren't you? Because this is making me blush and fall over. :)

LOL, mountain goats on Pixy Stix

They are funny together!

I love them sending up all that porno talk

Hee. I totally want to make a macro of Mountain goats on Pixy Stix... ;)

Thank you!

Oh my god. You win the internetz. XDDDD

*squee* Thank you so much! Hee.

Excuse me while I die of severe laughter over here. That was hilarious - somehow I can completely picture the two of them laughing and joking exactly like that during sex. Awesome, as always.

Aw, thank you. :D This was so much fun to write; with Pinto, the banter kind of writes itself, doesn't it?

Yay. Again. I'm thinking you're going to see lots of yays from me. LOL.

I don't generally like established relationship fics, I tend to go for first times more. But I like what you've written. :D And I shall go on to the next one! Hehe.

Well, not TOO many more left! :D

Thank you so much. I'm always really flattered by "I don't usually like x, but yours..." remarks!

oh..god..need...AIR...husband...thinks I'm insane...

Ha ha, YAYYY! This fic contributes to my long list of reasons why nobody should read my lj in a public library. :D Thank you so much!

I was laughing pretty consistently until this happened: Chris said, matter-of-factly, "Oh, I'm sure my steam-powered love truncheon can take care of that." and then I was completely incapacitated. However, the hope of ever recovering an iota of coherent thought was entirely lost after I read the following "Oh, man. You just hate me because I'm giggle-blocking your milky man fountain."

I had to wait the better part of an hour before I'd let myself comment for fear of sounding like a lunatic. Oh, the things you do to me.

(P.S. I apologize in advance for when you find a shit-ton of comments from me in your inbox. I'm about to read everything. Feel free to tell me to shut up at any time.)

NGL, probably my favorite thing in the world is getting comment spammed by someone who's serially visiting my fics. :D It makes my whole week. My month, even. It's just all good.

Thank you SO much! Hee. This was such a fun fic to write!


It perfectly suits my present model-building-addled state of mind.

Hee, thanks! This is also a great fic to ponder while trapped in long, boring meetings. Trufax.

This is the funniest thing I've read in forever! "steam-powered love truncheon"



Yes. His Truncheon-o-Luv. Is powered with boiling water. Which is really painful if you think about it, and not plausible in the least. :D

oh god. it hurts to breathe. I have black mascara streaks all over my face.

Well, I hope you recovered and I'm so glad you liked it! :D Thank you!




I just finished your "Strange Geometry" series yesterday, and it broke me. This fic, along with all the other funny/fluffy fics that you've written, has made my blues go away. That's how awesome a writer you are; I don't get really emotionally involved when I read a story, but with yours I can't stop it.

"Oh, I'm sure my steam-powered love truncheon can take care of that." <--that line had me laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. =)


Chris..."You just hate me because I'm giggle-blocking your milky man fountain." ... *dies*

And Zach... "Like mountain goats on Pixy Stix!"...

I'm so glad that I am watching the Nanny whilst reading this so that my family is fully prepared for the 'crazy cracktastic hyena on crack and Pixy Stix and more crack' laughter that came from me while reading this....

You killed me.... I is ded.


I think I asphyxiated myself laughing too hard... THIS IS THE BEST. JFKDSLSLO:JL:DSFJSD:JAFDS:FJCDKSL

Chris, tears streaming down his cheeks, said, "Oh, man. You just hate me because I'm giggle-blocking your milky man fountain."

That was the part where you finally had me in tears of laughter!


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